Script (Part 2) A

S C E N E   2 (Carole is in Croatia.  She can speak pigeon Croatian, which is good as she cannot rely on everyone speaking English, because everybody speaks in Croatian.  She goes into an office and walks up to the receptionist.  She says in Croatian:) CAROLE: Hello, my name is Carole and I class myself as a Brit.  However my dad is from Egypt, so I am half English and half Anglo and half Semitic in race.  I am not caucasian. MAXINE:  So why are you here? CAROLE:  I would want job MAXINE:  What? CAROLE: Da or 'aywa? MAXINE:  Yes actually.  I do not speak English and I do not speak Arabic CAROLE:  I learnt part first.  I speak Croat MAXINE:  OK, well you've got the job.  Just go in there and go on a computer (Maxine points to the nearby computer room) CAROLE:  Da,....OK MAXINE:  Bye CAROLE:  'Aywa, bye (Carole is about to walk outside) MAXINE:  Computer in there (Maxine points towards the computer room again and so Carole goes into the room) CAROLE:  TeSbàHu `ala xēr.  I am Carole.  British and Egyptian.  I'm on computer. LIAM:  Get on with it then CAROLE:  Eh? (Carole sits at a spare computer) CAMILLA:  Do you speak French or Spanish? CAROLE:  You do?  I speak English, Arabic, Chinese and Croatian CAMILLA:  You are not very good at Croatian are you?  (All of a sudden Carole experiences a strange sensation as she is sucked into the computer screen and suddenly she is back in the UK.  This time she is a native Croat who is visiting Cheltenham.  Everyone is now speaking English but she can only speak pigeon English.  She is in a small the pub of which her mum is a landlady.) NOEL:  Where's my guitar? CAROLE:  Hello!  My name is Carole Lejla Sasa Haq.  My mum a Croat, my dad a Jew.  Me religion is Jewish.  I am Jew and Croat NOEL:  A farmer from Yugoslavia? CAROLE:  We don't like Yugoslavia NOEL:  I know mate, I'm sorry.  Are you here for the Olympics? CAROLE:  I play for Croatia although next I shall be moving to Parbra.  I also got offer from Liverpool - an exchange. NOEL:  To Liverpool? CAROLE:  Sorry.  I miss a lot of what do you guys call them? NOEL:  No name, just small words CAROLE:  Yes.  Learnt most of England from MTV.  I also learnt bit in a kabutz school in Israel where I did my education.  I also speak Croat, Hebrew, Arabic and Chinese NOEL:  Well done in the house party as well.  There's one less psycho on the streets CAROLE:  But Steve is not a cycle.  It was Maxine NOEL:  You're saying that Maxine killed Peter? CAROLE:  No she never.  Steve did.  But it was all by fault. NOEL:  How can it be your fault?   (Suddenly Carole feels the same strange sensation as she felt earlier, only this time she is being sucked into the pub's big TV screen.  Back in Croatia, this time Carole is in a pub.  She is English again and this time she doesn't have to speak Croatian as everyone is speaking English.  Her brother Ed is Croatian) CAROLE:  Hello, how are you? JOSIP BROZ TITO:  I'm back from the dead ED:  English little girl CAROLE:  I know I'm English JOSIP BROZ TITO:  I am back from the dead ED: Tut. Why you English come over here? (Ciko enters.  He says to Josip..) CIKO:  Hello Tito JOSIP BROZ TITO:  I am from Croatia and I'm back from the dead CIKO: I... (Yet again Carole is sucked into the pub's TV screen so she cannot hear what Ciko says.  She is in the cellar of her mum's pub again where she works behind the bar.  The pub is owned by Bono and his brother Norman Hewson.  Camilla is deep in thought and talking to herself in a French accent) CAMILLA:  Moi has plans to take over the world.  He he he.  First I start off with the pub, then Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, The United Kingdom and then the whole world.  Ha ha ha (Carole's mum Rose is standing at the top of the cellar stairs and is shouting down to her...) ROSE:  Camilla.  Hurry up with them crates will yer?  What are you doing down there?   (Camilla shouts back at her mum in a French accent...) CAMILLA:  Moi is coming (Rose comes down the cellar steps and says to Carole...) ROSE:  And what do you think you're doing, just standing there?  Get up those stairs and do some work (Camilla pops her face on Carole's left shoulder and says..) CAMILLA:  She is thinking of doing a runner ROSE:  What's this gotta do with you?  No get up those stairs the pair of yer. (Carole and Camilla both go behind the bar.  Bono runs out of the beer garden into the bar. He's in a state of panic) NORMAN: Hey, where's the fire? BONO: A spaceship of aliens have landed outside this pub. (Norman bursts out in laughter) NORMAN: Good one. I could do with a laugh after the day I had BONO: No it's true. We've got to leave, now!  (Bono grabs hold of Norman's arm) NORMAN: I'm afraid I'm not in the mood for your fun and games today. I've had a busy day and I just want a quiet pint. BONO: I'm not messing around (Rose walks in from the celler.) ROSE: Can any of you guys help. Me and Ed are having trouble with one of the pipes to the lager barrel. BONO: Aliens have landed outside ROSE: Well they better not be scaring away my punters! (3 aliens walk in through the back door leading to the garden. One of them is holding a gun) ROSE: 'Ere. You're not welcome in here. GET OUT OF MY PUB! (The alien points blasts its gun at Bono and Norman. They disappear into thin air. He then blasts his gun at a table of customers who also disappear along with part of the back wall, making a dog bark) ROSE: DO THAT AGAIN AND I GET ED ON TO YER! (The alien points its gun at John who's sitting at the bar looking gormless) ROSE: YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO HIM. HE'S FAMILY! (They blast John away anyway.  Finally the alien points its gun at Rose) ROSE: ED. COME AND SORT THESE OUT! EEEEEEEEEED (She disappears)