Script (Part 1)

S C E N E   1

(House Party)

CAROLE:  Put Elton John on.  I will show you my dance moves to 'The Rocket Man'

PETER:  What! What! Fuckin' WHAT!

STEVE:  Shut up, you knob!

PETER:  What?  Call in the fumigators!  That man should be shot!

STEVE:  No, you should be stabbed!  

(Steve Picks up a knife and charging towards Peter)

PETER:  Eeek! 

(Peter falls to the ground after Steve stabs him.  Peter is dead.  Sophie comes down the stairs)

SOPHIE:  What's all the noize down here?

MAXINE:  Quick, she cannot see the body.  It will destroy her life forever

(Maxine, Carole and Steve hide Peter's body in the cellar.  Sophie wanders into the living room)

SOPHIE:  You've awakened me from my ancient slumber

MAXINE:  We're sorry

SOPHIE:  What's going on anyway?  It sounded as though someone was being murdered!

MAXINE, CAROLE & STEVE:  Murdered?  Ha ha ha

SOPHIE:  Yeah, never mind the pranks. I want my sparklers, and where's Dario?  He was meant to be here 10 minutes ago.  I've just had a power nap. 

CAROLE:  We've set fire to them

SOPHIE:  To Dario?

CAROLE:  It was Steven Tyler's idea.  He does it everytime he has something to celebrate

SOPHIE:  What?  He sets fire to people?

MAXINE:  No Soph, don't be silly.  The sparklers and the fireworks...

STEVE:  ...he says it helps him clear his head

SOPHIE:  Yes, but they were my sparklers.  He should get his own

(Door bell rings)

MAXINE:  I answer it

(Maxine answers the door.  In come Steven Tyler, Courtney, Lars, Gwen and Tommy)

SOPHIE:  You burnt my sparklers!

(Sophie points at Steven Tyler)

STEVEN TYLER:  Have I what?
COURTNEY:  No that were the fireworks.  The big 'uns'!
TOMMY:  The park attendant decides but we like our night green...
GWEN:  ...so we can play with the squirrels.  But nothing.  We are happy
STEVE:  You like Steven Tyler?

(Steve asks Carole)

CAROLE:  Who?

COURTNEY:  Exactly!  That's my motto in life.  The who, the how, the why, the when and the what the fuck is going on?

LARS:  Fuck!  Fuck!  Fuck!

TOMMY:  'Er yah mate.  Have some whiskey

(Lars snatches the bottle of whiskey that Tommy has just offered him and drinks the lot in one gulp)

LARS:  Mamma!  I want it all!

(Tommy laughs and puts his arm around Lars)

TOMMY:  I love you

COURTNEY:  I love him too.  Do you want to join me and Tommy in a game on the Wii?

LARS:  Mario?

COURTNEY:  Super Mario Brothers as well as Sonic The Hedgehog, Mario Kart and so many I can't even remember them.

(Lars jumps up and down excitedly on the spot, then he and Tommy follow Courtney up the stairs.  Lars is drooling.  Steve pulls out a cd by The Locusts out of his deep pockets and walks over to the cd player to put it on)

CAROLE:  OK, I'm just going to make a cup of tea  

(Carole walks towards the cellar)

MAXINE:  Carole...!

(Carole turns around and back towards the kitchen.  Sophie looks bemused.  Gwen and Steven Tyler disappear in the downstairs dinning room)

SOPHIE:  Why is it that you are all acting so weird?  And where's my Dario?  I still reckon Steven Tyler has something to do with the fact he's not here.

(Steve puts on The Locusts.  A loud, continuous tuneless racket pumps out from the stereo's speakers)

MAXINE:  Oh this is a fantastic tune.  I shall be humming this to myself all day 

(Maxine says sarcastically.  Maxine runs into her bedroom, that is situated on the bottom floor, in floods of tears.  Carole is standing in the kitchen staring outside the window)

SOPHIE:  Okay, well, I'm going to relieve myself in one of the spare rooms upstairs before Dario comes.  Where is he?  What is it with dudes?  They're all bastards.  I still reckon Steven Tyler has something to do with his absence.  There's just something that isn't quite right.

(Steve is cutting his arms and wiping the blood on his notebook. There are also scribbles of skull & bones on the book's cover.  The door bell rings again)

SOPHIE:  That could be Dario

(Sophie runs towards the door.  Unfortunately it's not Dario, instead it's the local drug dealers, The Groove Street Crew)

THE G.S.C:  Hello.  We hear you have some rock stars here

SOPHIE:  Yes we do actually.  It's a very strange night, and I can't find my boyfriend.

(A frazzled looking Steven Tyler comes into the sitting room, sees The G.S.C, and walks back into the dinning room where Gwen is standing in the doorway.  The G.S.C follow him)

STEVEN TYLER:  The G.S.C are here

(They all disappear into the downstairs toilet)

SOPHIE:  Right guys.  I'm going to look for Dario.  If he does turn up will you tell him to ring me on my phone?

STEVE:  Yeah

SOPHIE:  Are you coming with me?

(Sophie says to Carole who continues to stare at a black spot on the kitchen window.  Sophie tuts and leaves the house.  Maxine runs outside with her slippers on and George W Bush wanders in)

GEORGE W. BUSH:  Is this Iraq?  Where are your WOMD?  Is the pest here?

(Steve throws a toy hamster at him.  It hits George W. Bush between his eyes.  George W. Bush runs out of the house yelping with fear)

GEORGE W. BUSH:  Weeeeehhhhh!  I  hate rodents....

(George W. Bush's voice trails off into the night.  Steve shouts...)

STEVE:  It's a soft toy you bloody idiot!

(Steve gets up and picks up the toy hamster.  He lights a cigarette.  Carole is now huddlesd down on the kitchen floor, rocking back & forth, mumbling to herself.  Steve rings Sophie who can be heard on the other end of the phone)

STEVE:  Sophie? 

SOPHIE:  Is he there?

STEVE:  Yep

SOPHIE:  Thank God!  I was crying.  I thought my darling Dario had died

STEVE:  It's all good.

SOPHIE:  What is?  Oh, of course;  that he's still alive.  I'm coming through the door right now

(Sophie walks back into the living room.  The G.S.C walk past her in tho hallway and out of the front door.  Sophie turns around and goes upstairs into her bedroom.  Courtney, Tommy and Lars are in there smoking dope)

SOPHIE:  Oh I say!

(Lars jumps from behind a sofa)

LARS:  Err, screwiff.  Where's my 20?

COURTNEY:  We're sorry.  We be down in a second

SOPHIE:  That's ok, just be careful with my bed covers.  I put on clean sheets today.

TOMMY:  Right you are!  We keep all the mischief for the cellar.

(Sophie goes downstairs into the dining room.  She sees Gwen, Steve, Maxine, Steven Tyler and Carole all siting in a circle facing each other.  Carole is staring passively at Steven Tyler)

SOPHIE:  Right, Carole?  In a second will you do me a favour?  Will you ring Dario 'cos Steve said he was here, but he must have gone out again.

(Carole appears as though she hasn't heard her and continues staring at Steven Tyler)

SOPHIE:  Oh for God's sake!  We cannot be dealing with your obsessions right now.  

GWEN:  Soph, take a seat.  Calm down,  Want some coke?  You feel capable of anything

SOPHIE:  Cake?

MAXINE:  Sophie, we've had a horrendous night

(Maxine snorts a line of cocaine that she's laid out on a mirror in front of her.  Sophie asks Maxine..)

SOPHIE:  How does that make you feel?

MAXINE:  On top of the world

SOPHIE:  OK, I'm going.  See you guys latter

(Sophie leaves the room just as Maxine makes a strange noize.  Something catches Sophie's eye as she walks past the living room, so she walks in to investigate and screams when the dead body of Peter laying on the floor in front of her.  Tommy shouts from upstairs..)

TOMMY:  Shut the fuck up down there

(The G.S.C walk back into the house.  They say to Sophie..)

THE G.S.C:  Ok?  We thought that we forgot someone but it looks like he may have left already.  Has George W. Bush left the gaff?  If so, we shall just leave and come back again.

(Steven Tyler and Gwen come into the living room to see what all the fuss is about)

STEVEN TYLER:  Shit there's a dead body!

(Sophie shouts at The G.S.C)

SOPHIE:  What have you done?  You are responsible for this?

(Sophie runs upstairs.  Tommy, Lars and Courtney walk downstairs)

LARS:  Mo, mo.  Bang, bang.  Ze.

(Lars says to Sophie)

LARS:  Suck my dick

SOPHIE: Shriek

(Maxine, Carole, Gwen, Steven Tyler, The G.S.C and Steve are in the living room.  Steve is standing in the corner.  Maxine is on the phone to the police to report the murder of  Peter.  The G.S.C are holding Steve to prevent him from running away)

MAXINE:  I'm sorry Steve but I had to report the incident.  You murdered a man.  None of use we lead a normal life again